As part of our mentoring program, one of the first things we do is show couples the Five Love Languages video by Dr. Gary Chapman and have them take the profile. Then, at our last mentoring session, we show them the video segment on the “In Love” Experience and ask them to put boundaries around their marriage. It amazes us how many discount this part and tell us that they will never let this happen to them. We wish this was the case. No one sets out to be unfaithful. But once a marriage starts to drift, the door to temptation is wide open. The couple never sees it coming. They never thought it could happen to them. They all felt it was completely against their own morals, beliefs and values. See they never had a plan in place to prevent this from happening. So we want to encourage you, if you have not yet set up some boundaries to protect your marriage, please do so NOW! What rules and guidelines will prevent you from becoming drawn to someone else? Just saying, “It won’t happen to us,” is what countless others have said that later found themselves in this most miserable situation. Details could include allowing your spouse access to all emails, social media, cell phone records, financial accounts, etc. The more detailed you are, the greater likelihood of your success.
The Transforming Power of Kindness
At our church recently one of our pastors interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn about her latest book, The Kindness Challenge.
David and I found it fascinating. We all know we should be kind, but do we really know how? Feldhahn revealed three simple steps that have proven to make any interaction better and any relationship thrive. They are:
- Say nothing negative about that person – either to them or about them.
- Each day, find one positive thing to praise or affirm about that person. Then tell them and tell someone else.
- Each day, do one small act of kindness or generosity for them.
Here are some interesting facts from those who took the 30-Day Kindness Challenge:
Percentage of spouses who said they were happy in marriage:
Before After
37% 72%
Well we are up to the challenge. In fact, our Coupletime group which consists of three other couples, is going to read the book and take the 30-day challenge. David and I are already seeing some great results. For example, I received a note this morning thanking me for the act of kindness I did for him yesterday. David and I both agree that if couples would sincerely do this, it could transform relationships in such a positive way.
So are you up for the challenge?
If so, here is a link you can go to find out more: http://www.jointhekindnesschallenge.com
Knowing Your Strengths in Your Marriage
David, my husband, used to joke and tell people I would read anything… a cereal box, directions on toys from McDonald’s, or the phone book. He was right. I’m still like that. I know he thought I was just weird.
Growing up in a family where my mom was confrontational, I didn’t have any problem addressing issues. David, on the other hand, wanted to hold on to peace. This was just foreign to me. We’ve learned to adjust to one another over the years, but it wasn’t until I read Strength-based Marriage and did the assessment, that I understood these things we perceived as quirks better.
See my top “talent” or “strength” is Learner. People who are Learners have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites us. I see value in continuous learning. For David, Learner isn’t in his top “talents/strengths.” His number one “talent/strength” is Harmony. This probably isn’t any where near my top ones. See he looks for areas of agreement. He sees little to be gained from conflict and friction. He seeks to find common ground with people.
The interesting thing is these “talents/strengths” are inherent traits. According to Allen Kelsey, a Certified Strengths Coach, “these traits are uniquely, instinctively and permanently yours. They are hardwired in your brain.” See it is not so much about what we do, but who we are. And no amount of getting after someone is likely to change them.
Knowing this helped us understand one another better. Therefore, if you’d like to know more about this topic, check out the book Strengths-based Marriage.” Or, if you are in the Crestwood, KY area you are welcome to borrow it from our library. Just give us a call or email us first.
Grace and peace,
Penny Hudson