I’v
e been doing some research on manipulation and domination in marriage and here’s a summary of a few things I’ve discovered:
- Recognize when you or your spouse is being manipulative. The one who is feeling manipulated needs to take more responsibility in this regard, but in a nice way.
- Tell your spouse when you experience being manipulated. Be specific in describing the manipulation and feelings. Use “I” messages. When this happened, I felt ________. The dominating spouse needs to understand what actions, words and body language came across as manipulating.
- Both need to have genuine concern for the thoughts and feelings of the other.
- This is not a quick fix. The one who feels dominated has to trust the dominating spouse and allow time for change. The dominating spouse may blow it but they need to correct their course and prove positive intent.
- Don’t take the peace at any price approach.
- Don’t get into a power play and try to argue your way out. It doesn’t work.
- The controlling spouse normally needs to feel significant – self-worth is often tied to performance.
- The one feeling controlled can influence the dominating one by agreeing with the controller’s argument, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to be controlled by the agreement. You can affirm some of their input, but stand your ground by sharing that is not something you feel comfortable with.
- The one feeling manipulated can assert their freedom to make decisions. Often times this leads the dominating spouse to respecting their spouse’s freedom.
- Focus more on positive than negative interactions.
We’re talking here about when one spouse feels manipulated, not domestic abuse. That is a whole different subject, where professional intervention is needed.
If you would like some additional insights on the topic of manipulation, here are some books, we have at MERCY, that we would recommend:
Boundaries – by Cloud and Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage – Cloud and Townsend
Boundaries Face to Face – Cloud and Townsend
Control Freak – Les Parrott III, Ph.D
Desperate Marriages – Dr. Gary Chapman
High-Maintenance Relationships – Les Parrott III, Ph.D
Powerful Personalities – Tim Kimmel
Grace and peace,
Penny Hudson